Dreaming with a Broken Heart
by wotchertonks7
Summary: SSxLE. On the day before her wedding, Lily decides to risk everything for love.
1. The Meeting

Title: Dreaming With A Broken Heart

Author: wotchertonks7

Pairing: Severus/Lily, some James/Lily

Rating: PG-13

Summary: On the day before her wedding, Lily decides to risk everything for love.

Warnings: Non-canon, alternate universe, character death, mild language

Disclaimer: The character belong to JKR. I don't own them. I only write down the lives they lead in my head.

Author's Note: Inspired by John Mayer's song. I know I am breaking a canon-law that Snape CANNOT be Harry Potter's father, but in a world full of magic I was determined to find a way. I think that throughout the Potter series, Snape has been a kind of dark father/guardian figure to Harry, in his own twisted, misguided way.

1. The Meeting

When the knocking on the front door can be ignored no longer, I enter the living room through the secret stairwell hidden behind the largest bookshelf.

"I am not expecting anyone else tonight," I say over my shoulder. "Remain as you are until I deal with this." I carefully shut the hatch in place, making sure that not even a sliver of light can escape before attending to my uninvited guest.

The front door is practically shaking off its hinges by the time I pull it open a crack. I peer into the darkening evening, my wand ready at my side. It will happen like this one of these days.

I freeze. "L-Lily?"

A woman in a white wedding dress pushes past me with a strength that is surprising. Temporarily stunned by her presence I do not try to stop her. Whatever I had been expecting, this certainly is the furthest thing from my mind.

"Lily. This, uh," I stammer, "this isn't a good time for me." Then I remember to shut the door. Merlin's balls, if someone had spotted her coming here!

"You may not have noticed, Severus, but this isn't exactly a good time for me either," she says as she paces the room. Her dress swishes around her like mist as she moves this way and that, not focusing on anything particular and yet unable to remain in one place. Her red hair is elegantly coiled on top of her head and pinned with a lacy veil. She seems to light up the gloomy hallway with her very presence, glowing from the inside out.

"You look lovely." Damn! Did I just say that out loud?

She glances up at me, her expression softens before she resumes her nervous pacing. What the blazes is she doing here? On this night of all nights? She was not sent by the Ministry, I am fairly sure of that. Then again, wouldn't it be just like those bastards to send the best Auror for the job? You want to slay the dragon, you must use the right bait.

"You, ah, got married then?" I say. "Congratulations are in order, I suppose."

"It was only a rehearsal." She does not look at me this time. Instead she busies herself with the books on my shelves, rearranging them in an order that must make sense to her somehow. "The actual thing's tomorrow. James thought I'd be less nervous if it was in full dress. But I didn't come to discuss that." Her attention falls on a battered old school book, _Advanced Potion Making_. She leafs through it and gives a weak laugh. "I can't believe you kept this old thing."

I tug awkwardly at my robes, pretending to straighten them. "Just an old habit. Can't seem to throw anything out."

"Don't give me that." Lily holds the book in her arms like a child. "We used to write to each other non-stop in this thing. Even invented a few new potions together. It was a part of us."

I clear my throat. Damn, she's not making things easy. If she isn't here to kill me then I may be in worse danger than I fear. "Well, that was school." I say quickly. "Things have changed since then. Obviously." I gesture at her gown. It makes a swishing sound whenever she moves. I find it strangely comforting.

Again, with a speed and strength that I would not connect to her small size, Lily rushes forward, seizes my left arm and forces up the material to reveal the mark there. "You've changed, too, it seems," she hisses.

I cast her aside and correct my sleeve. I glower at her, the oh-so-high-and-mighty-Gryffindor about to chastise the fallen Slytherin. Some things have not changed after all.

"How could you?" she asks tonelessly. "You were the most brilliant boy I ever knew, Severus. How could you join those… monsters? They're nothing more than a bunch a murderers. You knew that! You knew and you joined them anyway."

"Lily, you really should not be here," I say as calmly as I can. Lily had been a fair hand at dueling, a skill her training as an Aura could only have intensified. Anyway, I do not want to duel her. Not yet.

"And all that business about pure-bloods being superior, about cleansing the blood lines for the greater good. How can you buy into that tripe? It's all just bunk to raise an army for You-Know-Who. How can you support _him_?"

"It's not… not as easy as you think. You really should leave now."

"Not until you tell me why." She stands in front of me, hands squarely on her hips. Her green eyes are flashing lightning. She only comes up to my chest, and that is with those uncomfortable-looking high heels she chose to wear for effect. Not intimidating in the least, and yet my fists are trembling at my sides.

I want to rage at her. I want to throw spells at her, to tear that dress, crush her against me and….

Damn! Where the hell did that come from? Until now my mind has been like stone. Is she really that pretty? Or am I really that weak when it comes to her?

"You used to tell me that blood didn't matter. When did that change for you? Was it in school? Hanging around with your pals, Mulciber and Avery and Malfoy? Impressing the lot of them with your skills in the Dark Arts?"

"Lily, you really have no idea what you're—"

"Was it because of me?" Her eyes are full of pain now. "I tried to stop you from going down that path, but then I gave up and left you to your choice. Is that why you did it, Sev? Am I to blame?"

I stare at her. She used to be such an intelligent woman. It was part of what I loved so much about her. Pity. Life with Potter has dulled her, it seems. Given her a soppy, melodramatic view of things. Then again, Gryffindors were always an overemotional lot.

"What do you want me to say?" I find myself exclaiming with more venom that I anticipated. I will not get another chance to speak to her after this. "Do you really need your guilt dissuaded this badly? For what reason? So you can get married with a clean conscience? Go back to your fiancé, Mrs. Potter. He must be wondering where you've slipped off to, unless this is a custom of yours."

She pales for a moment, but she had always been made of stronger stuff and shrugs it off. "Is this truly what you want? Is this what your life has been reduced to? What happened to the boy who was my best friend?"

"What happened to you I wonder?" I shout and she jumps back, startled by my anger. "The independent girl who gave into her own popularity and chose the safe, easy path with her Golden Gryffindor stooges. You are about to marry the man who dedicated his life to make my existence at school a living hell, remember? Of all the ways you could have chosen to hurt me…. And now you come here expecting sympathy?"

"It… it's not the same as becoming a Death Eater. And I didn't fall in love with James just to hurt you. Maybe I did it to get even, maybe, at the very beginning, but things changed between James and I. Besides, you never spoke to me again after fifth year. You can't expect me not to have moved on."

I snort. She ignores this. "Anyway, I didn't come here intending to cause pain. I… I had to know if there was anything… anything…." Her face is the exact color of her hair now.

"You mean you got cold feet and thought you'd try to find a way to crawl out of your situation? Sorry to disappoint, Mrs. Potter, but the days when you could manipulate me are long gone."

"Severus, you can't mean this. I… I still love y—"

"Get out!" I am shouting now. She is crying. Good. "Get out of here! You expect too much of me. Just get out!"

There is a sound from the bookshelf behind us. I curse and vow to Hex whomever that is into next week.

Lily's eyes go wide. "They're here right now, aren't they? Your Death Eater mates. Having a right jolly Might-Makes-Right party? Already plotting which muggles and muggle-borns you intend to kill first? Can I expect you to come breaking down my door one day?" She reaches for the bookcase. "What are you up to exactly?"

I seize her arm and begin to drag her back to the front door. I have to get her out of here. "You're leaving right now!"

"Severus, I believe the lady has asked you what you are up to."

Lily breaks free of my grip and spins around; her wand is raised in shock. "Pr-Professor Dumbledore?"

A very old man with a long white beard steps out from behind the hidden passageway, his arms raised in greeting. "Hello, Lillian. What a pleasure it is to see you again, and may I say that you are a vision."

"Headmaster!" I exclaim, furious at this open act of betrayal. I may end up killing the both of them tonight. "What are you doing? I thought that we agreed—"

"Times have changed, Severus," Dumbledore say with his usual nonchalant grin. "As I said, Lillian has asked you what you are up to and I believe it is only right to give her a truthful answer."

Lily does not lower her wand. "How do I know that you are the real Albus Dumbledore?"

He chuckles. "Glad to see that you remember your basic Auror training, my dear. You might ask me a question only the real Dumbledore would know. Or you might persuade Severus here to provide you with some Veritaserum, which I am sure he keeps an ample supply of at hand."

"Seventh year," Lily continues, "I was called to your office for something I did. What was it?"

"Why, I believe that Madame Hooch said it over a disturbance in the Hufflepuff locker room, over a… how shall I put it delicately? A lack of proper dress code?"

He twinkles. Lily turns bright scarlet and my jaw, unconsciously, drops to the floor. Where was I when this had happened at school?

"It wasn't about what you think!" she quickly says to me. "It was just a dumb bet. James bet me that I would flash the Hufflepuff team if they won the Qudditch Cup. So, you are the real Dumbledore, then. What are you doing here?"

"Sir," I interrupt again, resolved to detour this train wreck from occurring. "The risk! You cannot… she must not know!"

"Know what?" Lily glares at the both of us.

Dumbledore puts an easy hand on her shoulder. "Come. Let me introduce you to the Order of the Phoenix." He opens the secret panel all the way and escorts her up the narrow stairs.

Torn between blind rage and dread for the two people I have foolishly let get too close to me, I have no choice but to follow them.


	2. The Order

2. The Order

Dumbledore escorts Lily through the hidden staircase to the second floor. He is as delighted as a father about to present his daughter her first bike on Christmas morning I lag behind, nervous at what the old codger has going on inside his head — what he might be planning.

They enter the doorway into a large conference room, magiced to be much larger than the actual house should allow. The witches and wizards seated at the table all look up in shock. I can only assume that they reflect the absurd look on my face from earlier.

"Alice?" Lily exclaims, running forward to seize the hand of her old Griffindor housemate. "And Frank!" She has not seen the Longbottoms since their wedding only a few months earlier. They both smile at her.

"Lillian," says Dumbledore, "Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix."

"The what?"

"A secret society I had the good foresight to establish with the help of all these excellent volunteers. You already know the Longbottoms, and that is Marlene McKinnon, Benjy Fenfick, Edgar Bones, Caradoc Dearborn, and the brothers over there, Gideon and Fabian Prewett, and this is my brother Aberforth. There are more members but they could not make today's meeting."

"Professor." Lily looks quite overwhelmed. "I don't mean to be rude, but what exactly is the Order?"

"We wanted to help Dumbledore fight against You-Know-Who," says Alice quickly.

"Fight?" Lily shakes her head. "But… but what are you doing then in the home of a known Death Eater?"

She glares at me where I stand in the shadows, just outside the threshold of the room. These people have not made it a secret that they do not like me, a favor that I do not mind returning in kind.

"Please calm yourself, Lillian," says Dumbledore. "Yes, Severus has joined Tom Riddle's Death Eaters and taken their mark, but the truth is that he only did so at my request."

She stops dead. For a few minutes there is silence in the room. Then Lily turns to the headmaster and says, "I don't understand."

Dumbledore comes over to me and gently tries to coax me into the room. I seriously consider hexing the old man for putting me in this position.

"Severus may be our most valuable member," Dumbledore continues. "He keeps us privy to secrets and movements that we cannot gain otherwise. It keeps us one step ahead of our enemies."

"A spy for you." Lily sounds indifferent. "Since when?"

"Since, what is it now, Severus? Four years?"

Lily walks up to me, her expression a blank mask. Strange, I have faced the Dark Lord, I have lied successfully straight to the face of the most powerful dark wizard in history and yet I cannot withstand the anger radiating off of her. I have never seen her this angry… ever. Not even when she told me off for the last time. I am unprepared for when she strikes me across the face. Her anger alarms me so that I cannot block the blows that rein down now without mercy.

"You bastard!" Lily screams and continues to hit every inch of me that she can reach.

"Lillian, please." Dumbledore does his best to restrain her.

"Bastard! You've been a spy against You-Know-Who for all these years and you never told me?!" She is close to hysterical now. "You let me hate you and believe that you were one of them? Why?"

"I had to," I say quietly.

"Why? Tell me that!"

"It was the only was to keep you safe!" I shout and she goes still. Then I take a deep breath and begin. "In Hogwarts after our… falling out, I went to Lucius Malfoy and his lot and told him that I would join them. I couldn't officially join the Dark Lord while I was at school, but Malfoy had us do little jobs for him, to prove that we were willing to make a difference. He asked us to make lists of any muggles and muggle-born wizards we knew. I didn't like the sound of that and tried to keep your name clear, but Avery beat me to it. Malfoy said he was going to conduct investigations on the families of the names and… well, all I could think was that if any harm came to Mr. and Mrs. Evans, or to you, then it would be my fault. I couldn't live with the shame of that, so… so I went to Dumbledore."

"You did?" Lily stares at me. "Oh, Sev, didn't that get you into trouble?"

"I might have been killed for it, but I was careful. I told Dumbledore what I had done and how good people were going to get hurt. He said that if I really wanted to help them I had to be braver than I ever thought possible."

"You mean become a Death Eater so you could spy for the Order?"

I close my eyes and exhale. "It was all I could do to make up for the way I treated you, after I ruined things between us. It was the only way I could ever prove myself worthy to you again."

"You… you idiot!" She snarls at me. "Putting your life in the hands of a bunch of psychopaths was your answer? You thought that getting yourself killed would impress me? And you!" She rounds on Dumbledore. "How could you ask him to do this? It's suicide! You-Know-Who will murder him and it will be all your fault!"

The cheerful disposition of the headmaster remains in tack. "Severus and I discussed the risk and yet he still bravely agreed. Besides, he is skilled in defense against the Dark Arts and is one of the most gifted Occlumens I have ever met. He is not without protection, Lillian."

"He's barely out of school!"

"As are you, my dear, and here you stand ready to join your life with another. Is that not also a life-altering decision?"

Lily stares into my eyes, imploring me to see reason. "Don't do this. Please, don't do this. I couldn't bear it if you died. We can leave the country, go into hiding. I'll go anywhere you go. We can be together. Please, Sev."

I hate her for doing this to me. Coming here tonight was practically a declaration of love, I realize, and now she is willing to risk dying for a beggar like me. She is so close to me now. The edge of her dress brushes against my fingers. Her perfume fills my senses, making them swim. I struggle through her pretty words, relying on my self-discipline to keep me strong. "Despite what people may think of me, Lily, I am not a coward. I will not take that route, even if it means I must give up the one person I love in this world."

She sobs and throws her arms around my neck. Unsure of myself, I put my arms around her as well. A human being, especially Lily, so close to me is unfamiliar, but I cannot seem to push her away.

"Why must you be so bleeding noble?" she weeps.

"Someone has to uplift the reputation of Slytherin House. Griffindors can't always have all the glory."

She lifts her eyes to mine, her face so sad and beautiful and determined. It scares me almost as much as attracts me. "Dumbledore," she says, "I want you to marry us."

I blink in disbelief. She did not just say what I thought I heard.

Dumbledore's eyebrows go up under his hat. "Why do you ask for that?"

"I'd like to know that, too," I say.

"You are sacrificing so much to protect others," she says. "But who will protect you, Sev?" Who will be there to keep you from falling into the abyss? Severus, I love you and I will not let you do this alone."

I hold her at arm's length. It's all I can do not to shake her till she comes to her senses. "You must be mad. You are not going to go through with anything of the sort. It would not be… prudent."

Lily laughs. "That is your best argument?"

"When I went to the Dark Lord, I knew that he would see straight into my soul to find the truth. So that is what I used. I told him how devastated I was that the girl I had fancied rejected me for a worthless wizard, and how I wanted to revenge myself against them and all blood traitors and muggle-borns. The Dark Lord would understand this kind of hatred, and he believed me. If you did become my… wife…." The word was so strange on my tongue. "How could I maintain my façade when I'd be the happiest man alive? The Dark Lord always knows, Lily. You'd become a target!"

"I am an Auror. I'm already a target."

I look to Dumbledore for assistance. He gently pats Lily on her shoulder. "I am sorry, Lillian, but Severus cannot break cover now. It would put many lives at stake, including his own. You must leave tonight, and tomorrow you will marry James as planned. Severus will need that pain to keep within Tom's inner circle. Isn't that correct, Severus?"

"Certainly, sir," I say. "Why, just now, the thought of Lily and James together is enough to make the bile rise up in my throat."

She smiles at me. "Then you won't be the only one leading a double life. I will marry James and behave like a proper wife to the world, but in secret I will be yours, Sev. Always."

Before I can think or even stop myself I take her face in my hands. "Lily, you cannot… I won't let you."

She puts her hands over mine. "And I won't abandon you. Not again." She looks at Dumbledore. "Will you do us this honor, sir?"

"Delighted and honored as I am, my dear," says the headmaster, "I'm afraid that my authority will not make it official."

Lily shakes her head. "I don't care. I just want to hear the words. Please, Sev?"

The Order members, forgotten in the background until now, are on the edge of their seats, awaiting my answer.

I finally break down, as I always do whenever she is involved, as she knows I will. My fingers dare to touch the silky tendrils of her hair. She sighs and puts her head on my chest.

Dumbledore kindly performs the ceremony, and as he waves his wand over our heads, a shower of silver stars entwine our figures and our joined hands glow golden.

"Well…" Dumbledore is as surprised by this as any of us. "Well, now. I've always said that the power of love is the strongest force in the universe. Congratulations, my children, the both of you!"

The Order members cheer and give a round of applause and for one glorious moment in my life I allow the joy to claim me. And this frightens me more than anything I've ever known.

Author's Note: Just in case anyone was confused, I chose only the Order members that we knew had died in battle not long after this time period. Aberforth is the exception, but I figured he was someone who knew how to keep his secrets hidden.

Also, the silver stars and glowing hands were supposed to mean that the magic accepted Dumbledore's wedding ceremony, and that Lily and Snape actually became husband and wife. I almost feel sorry for James, but it's my small way of leveling the playing field for all the injustices he had caused Severus.


	3. The Child

The Child

x

Dumbledore is the last to bid us goodnight until it is just myself in the house, and my wife. I cannot help but chuckle to myself. _My wife. Wife_. The idea is still so foreign to me. Only in my most secret fantasies have I ever thought that I would get married. And to Lily, the girl I have loved since we were little children. The girl I never stopped loving is here with me now; it is overwhelming.

I fix us a meal from whatever the Order members have not already consumed. Lily does not mind in the least. She has always been overly gracious, especially when it came to me. We sit and eat and share a bottle of elf-made wine. Afterwards, she finds a tune on the Wireless radio and draws me into a slow dance, her small body fitting perfectly against mine as if designed to go together.

"Won't you be missed?" I force myself to say. Another moment like this and I will lose what's left of my courage.

"I am too happy to care," she answers, her head on my shoulder and her hands around my back. "Does that sound very wicked of me?"

"You could never be wicked, Lily," I whisper into her ear. "The taint would never stick and slide right off."

"You're wrong. It's the night before my wedding and I'm already married to my fiancé's worst rival." She looks up with a deliciously sinful smile on her face. "I feel wicked, and it's wonderful! It feels like being alive, for the first time in my life."

This is the fiery girl I was so fond of in school. I kiss her; gently at first, fearful that she will fade away like fairy lights. When she makes it clear that she will not break I deepen the kiss. She moans slightly against my lips, I gather her in my arms and carry her upstairs.

"I never dreamed, never hoped that you would be here with me like this," I say as I carefully lower her onto the bed. "You are too good, Lily. Too bright. You should not have chosen me. I fear my love will destroy you."

She reaches up and draws me next to her. "Then I shall be strong, for the both of us."

Morning found us all too soon. We make love again, slowly; desperately afraid that it will be the last time we ever see one another. Soon we discover each other all over again, man and woman now, but in our hearts the same children who used to play together in the park.

Inevitably, Lily has to depart, as we both know she must. She clings to me as I do to her. It feels like being hit with a Cruciatus Curse directly to my heart.

"I fear how long it will be until I can see you again," she says, her breath warm on my neck. "You must send me word when it is safe."

I run her hair through my hands. "I will have Dumbledore write to you whenever I can."

She kisses me and with a last look she Disapparates, and I am more alone than ever before.

I take a deep breath, catching the last bit of her perfume in the air, and then head back up through the hidden stairwell. He is waiting for me, as I suspected he would be. "Why did you tell her the truth about everything, sir?"

Dumbledore pours two cups of tea. "You were so willing to accept the hatred of the entire world, with no thought of personal gain, Severus. It was my opinion that she of all people should know the best of you."

"But why? I've only put her in further danger."

"I believe that Lillian was correct. One cannot walk the edge of both worlds without corruption of the soul. Love is the only power to fight the darkness."

"Sir, may I ask? Did you know that she would come here yesterday? Is that why you insisted that the meeting be held in my home?"

The old man sips his tea, his blue eyes twinkling with mischief. "I? Severus, even a wizard as brilliant as myself cannot expect to know everything."

I accept the cup of tea. "Well, whatever you did or did not know, thank you."

x

The gargoyles jump aside and I am allowed to enter the headmaster's office. I take my usual seat and a cup of tea appears before me, as the meeting goes every Wednesday.

"You have a son, Severus," says Dumbledore, his voice full of joy. This is practically his grandson in all but blood, after all. "My dear child."

"James Potter has a son, you mean." I do not look at the photographs spread all over the desk. I had only seen Lily a handful of times since our wedding night, but I had no doubt who the father of her baby was when she first told me. "You were there for the delivery?"

"I have been meeting with Lillian for some time now to ready ourselves for the event. She is a remarkable witch when it comes to Charms. Once the baby was born and James was celebrating with Black, Lillian and I placed the spells on the boy. He will grow up to resemble James so that no one, not even he will ever suspect. They were designed to be permanent but I can make it so they can be lifted if ever—"

"No," I say. "No, I will not toy with the boy that way. He will not have to suffer any more confusion. Merlin knows that he may very well discover the truth one day. Besides, no child should go through life with a nose like mine." I finally look at Dumbledore. "Is… is he healthy?"

"As any babe is fortunate to be. And he has his mother's eyes. The exact same color and shape. I never would have the heart never change that."

I smile, unable to fend off a surge of pride for a son I could never, must never acknowledge. "And Lily?"

"Your wife sends you all her love and hope that you will get to see little Harry soon."

"Harry," I say. _Harry. My son. _I find a photograph in my hand and see Lily holding a tiny, squirming bundle in her arms. She mouths, "I love you," and I melt.

"You delivered the message to Tom without difficulties, I hope," asks the old codger.

I nod. "As you instructed. The Dark Lord believes in the threat the Prophecy foresees and plans to take action. You do realize that Lily falls under the conditions? The time of Harry's birth, the fact that James cannot pass up the slightest chance to defy Voldemort. I want them protected. Potter too, I suppose."

"They will be moved to a safe location as soon as possible. Now, tell me, Severus. How are you getting on with your teaching position?"

"The students are arrogant little sods, sir. I don't recall being quite so cheeky when I was a student."

"We were all cheeky at one time or another. As I recall you were often sent to me for disrespecting Professor Slughorn."

"I surpassed his teaching in third year and he took it as disrespect."

"Which is why I knew you'd make an excellent Potions Master. What's all this?" He motions at a box by my foot.

"Lucius Malfoy came for a visit at my home again last night," I say as I place the box on the desk. "That has been the seventh time this summer. I believe that he has been sent to keep an eye on my loyalties. I caught him scrounging about. I can't keep these things with me any longer. It's just not safe. At first I thought of merely burning them, but…." I touch a framed photo of my twelve-year-old self sitting in a Hogwarts Express compartment with a laughing Lily on my arm.

"I shall keep them well guarded, my dear boy. Have no fear." Dumbledore picks up my old copy of_Advanced Potion Making_. "Even this?"

I reach and take it back. "I'll keep it in my office. Perhaps I'll give it to Harry one day. He should be taught from someone who knows what he's doing." I catch sight of Lily's handwriting on one of the pages. "Why did I do it, sir? I've put them both in so much danger. I am so selfish."

"You are human, my friend. There really should be more love in the world. The love you and Lillian have for each other has created new life."

"Love can destroy as well, Headmaster."


	4. The Promise

The Promise

x

I arrive at the charred remains of the cottage, knowing already that it is too late. I manage to levitate most of the rubble out of my way as I search.

A flash of red in the soot and I pull Lily into my shaking arms. Her body is broken, the green eyes empty and wide with shock. "Not you," I weep. "Not you."

James is further off. He would have fought to the end, trying to give Lily a chance to escape with Harry. A Griffindor through and through. A quality I can at last admire the man for.

A cry stirs me from my grief and I am almost too afraid to breathe. I throw myself at the rubble, clawing at it with my bare hands until I uncover a crib. The baby had been shielded from the worst of the debris. Little Harry looks up at me, his eyes so much like his mother's, and cries to be picked up. Carefully I lift the boy into my arms and he immediately goes quiet.

He did indeed look like James, but for the eyes. Lily's eyes.

"Don't worry," I whisper. "You're safe now. Daddy has you."

x

Dumbeldore comes bursting into his office, sealing the door behind him. "Thank Merlin you are here! I feared what you might do. Where in the Wizarding World have you been?"

I shift in my chair to rewrap the blanket around Harry, who was doing his best to kick his way out. "I checked into a Muggle hotel. I knew no one would think to search for us there. I needed time to think."

"You should not have gone to the cottage, Severus. If you had been seen—"

"Do you think any of that matters to me now?" I do not recognize the sound of my own voice. "Did you see what he did to her? To my wife? You swore that they'd be safe. I begged you!"

"Only the Secret-Keeper could have revealed their whereabouts. Lily and James put their trust in the wrong person, it appears. Young Black—"

"Sirius Black!" I growl. "I'm going to kill him!"

"Aurors are already out on his trail. They will find him."

"I want justice for my wife!"

"You shall have it, but you must think of Harry. He needs you now. Voldemort may have lost his body, but we both know that he will not be gone forever. A man like Riddle will have taken precautions. And those who support him are still out there. Harry is not safe."

"Let me take my son, Dumbledore. We'll disappear."

"Severus."

"He's all I have left… of her."

"Severus, you know that the job is not yet finished. Otherwise you would not have come back to Hogwarts to see me. You know what must be done."

I hold Harry closer and cannot stifle a sob. "Don't separate us. Please."

"Right now I will trust in Lillian's protection spell, the power that resides in her blood. Harry must go and live with his aunt."

"Petunia?! I know that woman and she's a nightmare! She's the worst sort of wizard-hating muggle. She cut Lily out of her life for being a witch. She'll hate Harry. He'll be miserable."

"He will be safer with his mother's sister that anyone can realize. Surely you of all people know about the old magic? Blood sacrifice for love?"

Tears are spilling down my cheeks now. Harry reaches up to catch them and laughs. For the second time that night I feel my heart break. "I won't be able to see him. Petunia will never let me within a hundred yards of her home. Perhaps that is for the best. Look what my involvement has already done."

Dumbledore clasps my shoulders and stares directly at me. "What happened to James and Lily was not your fault! If you must blame someone, let it be me. I should have insisted that James make me his Secret-Keeper."

I am not listening, not entirely. Nothing will ever dissuade the guilt that I am feeling. Of course it was my fault. I had doomed Lily the moment I got close to her. I had never been able to do right by her, no matter how much I tried.

"Severus, as much as it pains me, I must ask you to leave the boy with me. The cottage was discovered last night. Questions will be asked about why Harry was not found there and what has happened during this missing day. I will tell them that I went to the cottage myself and found him alive and took him somewhere safe to plan. If I could spare you any of this grief, believe me I would do anything in the world. I will give you a moment alone."

Dumbledore stepped into the next chamber and I set my small son upon my knee. The boy had James' untidy black hair, ruddy skin and aquiline nose. He will become a handsome young thing. For that I am grateful. The green eyes stare up at me and I feel as if Lily is watching me right now, demanding to know how I can abandon our son after she has given her life for him.

The lightning bolt scar on his forehead cuts straight through me. An eternal reminder of Lily's sacrifice, and my failure.

"Harry," I began. It was the first time I addressed my son so. "There's nothing I can say to make up for all you've lost, all that you are about to lose. I wish I could be there to help you through it all. Just know that I do not regret that you were born or that you are here now. You are all the love I had for your mother and how much she loved you.

"I… I know that I won't be there for you the way a father should. You'll never understand why. You may even grow to hate me one day, but believe that until the day I die I will protect you. And that I'll always love you, Harry. I promise. Even if you never know that I'm there for you, I will be."

I kiss the boy's head and he giggles, his tiny fists pulling at my hair. "Try to be a good boy, and don't go looking for trouble."

Dumbledore returns. It is killing me to do so, but I hand Harry over to the headmaster. The baby begins to cry. I reach for him, then force my arm down and turn away. Self-discipline.

"I've spoken with Hagrid," Dumbledore says. "He will take Harry to his aunt's while I go ahead and make sure that the way is safe."

I nod. Why must Harry keep crying? Can't Dumbledore do something? I want so badly to take my son back, but I must stay strong. For the both of us.

"Severus, I hate to do it to you, especially after all you've been through, but you know what I must ask of you."

Another nod. "I will go to Knockturn Alley and seek out any Death Eaters and find out what I can. I will continue to be your spy. If Voldemort is still out there, as I believe he is, I will discover it. And I will find a way to kill him, for good."

Dumbledore lingers. "Severus, another reason I blame myself is that a few weeks ago I had discovered that James had in his possession a remarkable Invisibility Cloak."

"I remember the thing. It helped those Marauders get away with everything back in school."

"I've never seen a Cloak to equal it and I had asked James if I might borrow it, for my research. So you see, I had robbed the Potters of a valuable artifact, one that might have help save their lives."

"Black would have known about the Cloak and alerted his Master," I say.

"It remains in my possession. I was hoping that you would accept it."

"Why would I want the blasted thing?"

Dumbledore touches my shoulder and I glance back at him. "Just because you cannot be with your son does not mean that you cannot watch over him from time to time."

"I-I could see him?" I understood the truth of this. I could see Harry even if my son didn't know that I was there. "I will keep it, sir, but only until Harry comes to Hogwarts. It is his, after all. And he will most likely need it."


	5. The Arrival

The Arrival

x

I had a feeling that Harry would be sorted into Griffindor. I decide that it is a good thing. It will create a natural prejudice against the children of the Death Eaters I continue to monitor. He looks exactly the way James Potter did that first day I met him, so very long ago. Except Harry does not posses that air of overconfidence James wore like a brightly colored robe.

I know that he did not have the most pleasant of childhoods. Petunia and her family had gone to great lengths to make Harry as miserable as possible, just as I had feared. It was painful to see small, lonely Harry, not understanding why he was the way he was, and I was unable to intervene.

Still, I tried to do what little I could whenever possible. A selection of muggle sweets hidden under his bed in that wretched cupboard they forced him to sleep in. A gift box of tin soldiers for his birthday. A note under his pillow reading, "you are loved," whenever the Dursleys tried to squash the joy out of him. At least he would know that someone in this world cared about his life.

When Dumbledore told me that he had sent Hagrid to fetch Harry, I was relieved, and a bit jealous. I knew that Hagrid would be kind to the boy; he had a talent for taking in wounded, misunderstood creatures. He would make Harry feel quite at home and the boy would grow fond of him, rely on him even. It was the kind of bond that should have been given to me.

Harry looks up at me and I freeze, caught off guard by this gesture. I see the scar and again my insides are ripped apart. Harry notices my scowl, flinches and quickly looks away.

This is unbearable, and yet I must tolerate it. Lucius Malfoy's brat is also a first year, in my own Slytherin House. If Lucius believes that I am being kind to the boy that defeated the Dark Master, then the last ten years will have been for nothing. And I would have wasted my life without Harry for nothing.

I will have to gain favor with the Slytherins while humiliating the Griffindors in turn. Harry will have to receive the worst of it in order for the deception to works. He will hate me, and I must make him.

I must do it, I tell myself. Harry must be kept safe.


	6. The Student

A/N: Originally, I had only written five chapters for this story with the thought of an epilogue, but I decided it wasn't necessary. Since then, I've received encouragement from some very kind reviewers and decided that Snape needs his moment with Harry. So, here you go.

Some of this text is taken directly from Deathly Hallows.

xXx

6. The Student

"Focus, Potter! You're not clearing your mind. Have you been practicing like I told you?"

"Yes. Sir."

"We shall see. Ready? One, two, three… Legilimense!"

I break into the boy's mind as easily as water through tissue paper. Images flash before my eyes. Harry sitting alone in his locked cupboard under the stairs, Harry in the center of a group of taunting muggle schoolchildren, Harry watching Cedoric Diggory being struck by a green, glowing flame.

The boy is intolerable! How is it that he is so ready to pick up such useless skills as Quidditch, but not in something that may actually keep him from being torn asunder from the inside out? Does he not realize how desperately he needs to protect himself?

Of course not. Always too busy thinking only of saving others. I'd be proud of my son if I didn't want to slap him hard. Wasn't it that suicidal need of his to play the hero the reason that nearly got him killed in the Chamber of Secrets or going after Sirius Black on his own? Merlin knows what he may do the next time. He has managed to survive so far, with help from those of us who have been keeping secret vigil, and by his own dumb luck. Though how long either will last I have no idea.

"The reason I was able to do that is because you have NOT BEEN PRACTICING!" I say in my coldest tone. There can be no more room for failure. The boy must not be allowed to lax in this, as he has done each year in my Potions class. How Lily would lament to see a son of _ours_ to be so abysmal at our favorite subject. No doubt this is my fault, but I'm not about to admit it to the brat's face.

Five years at this school and I have watched as he has flaunted rules, risked his precious neck by stupidly sneaking out of boundaries against even the headmaster's warning. I seem to be the only one who is not so besotted with The Boy Who Lived that I can overlook such impudence. He is a snotty little bastard at times. Not effected by my detentions or elimination of House points in the least. He should have been in Slytherin for all his subterfuge. And yet….

And yet he is so much like James, almost too much that sometimes I wonder…. He could be James' son. Lily could have been mistaken about the time, the old man could have lied, could have. What if the so-called spells to alter his appearance had been a ruse? Both would have done anything to make sure I remained on the side of good. _She_ could have lied….

"I have been practicing. Sir!" He says, defiantly. Always remembering to add the hint of respect at the last resentful moment.

He hates me; he's made no secret of the fact. Not that I've made it easy for him to feel any other way, but hatred has kept us both alive so far. If it will get past his wretched Gryffindor laziness and encourage him to act, then so be it. Hate me all you want, Harry. Just stay alive and well.

"Liar. Clear your mind. Control your emotions. Again. One, two, three, Legillimens!"

Harry is enjoying toffees with Ronald Weasley in their flying car, Harry being battered by an irate Whomping Willow, Harry cradling a box of toy tin soldiers in his arms and trying to imagine where they had come from and who had written the note. Perhaps one of his parents might still be alive? Could they be watching him, but not wanting him enough to be a part of his life?

I pull away very quickly before my control slips. He is staring at me in that odd way again and I know that I've dropped my guard again.

"Sir?" He says in a shacking voice.

"Who were the tin soldiers from?" I ask before I can think of a better question.

"I… I don't know, sir. Not from my family. They never cared a wit about me."

No, I imagine not, but they keep you safe, you ungrateful brat, I want to lash out.

_He cared about me,_ I hear Harry say. The boy really is hopeless when it comes to guarding his thoughts. I shall have to redouble my efforts. _My guardian angel._ _He was the only one back then who did care. The only friend I had. Why did he go away?_

I never did. I'm still here and I always will be.

"Again, Potter! Concentrate! Legillimens!"

Harry dancing with that Patil girl at the Yule Ball, Harry flying on a broomstick for the very first time, Harry asking the Sorting Hat if it had chosen the wrong House, Harry seeing his godfather again and rejoicing.

That last part hurts worse than Harry's Stinging Hex. Against my worst fears, Sirius Black had returned, exonerated and become nearly a father to Harry. Once again, a Marauder had swooped in and successfully purloined what was most dear to me. And why, by Merlin's saggy balls, did it have to be Black! Twice as reckless as James, the man will practically invite the Dark Lord over for tea and a wizard's duel. He will be just as big of a threat to Harry's life as James had been to Lily's.

I will not allow history to repeat itself. I will not allow Black's carelessness to rub off on my son.

"I have to wonder if you have been paying attention to anything over the past five years," I sneer.

"I have!" He spits back in my face.

Good, I think. He is properly angry now. Perhaps enough to actually goad him to improve his response.

xXx

Dumbledore is sagging sideways in his chair. He looks so old and frail and suddenly I realize with cold shock that the temporary reprieve is growing thin. This man who has been more of a father to me than my own flesh and blood, the only other one alive who knows the truth, will soon be lost to me. And I will be completely alone, again.

The old codger has asked me into his office with an attempt to appease me. He believes that my soul has become so corrupt by my double life that I can kill him as easily as a fly on the wall? Does he think me heartless?

Dumbledore continues his well-rehearsed speech. "And while the fragment of soul, unmissed by Voldemort, remains attached to and protected by Harry, Lord Voldemort cannot die."

It took me a very long moment to process this. "So the boy… the boy must die?"

"And Voldemort himself must do it, Severus. That is essential."

Another long silence. "I thought… all these years… that we were protecting him."

"If I know him, he will have arranged matters so that when he does set out to meet his death, it will truly mean the end of Voldemort."

"You have kept him alive so that he can die at the right moment? Bollocks!" I shout and the old man jumps. I lean forward until he can see nothing but my eyes. "Do you think I have agreed to spy for you and lie for you, that I have given up my son and my life to your digression, a boy I know you regard as your own grandson, only to be told that you've been fattening him up like a pig for slaughter? If I had thought that you could ever be that cruel then I would take Harry and drag him far away from here where we will be never be found by the lot of you again! So what is it, old man? Either you kill me now for threatening your ultimate plans, or you tell me what you are really intending to do!"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkle like dancing joy. "Have I really become so transparent to you, my boy?"

"A plonker like you would not allow the death of an innocent, no matter how many lives it would save. After all the times I had to endure lectures of you reputed brilliance, I would think you would have come up with an alternative solution."

"He must not know, Severus," he says seriously. "You must do nothing to intervene though I know you will be tempted. It must be a sacrifice of love."


	7. The End

A/N: Some of this text is taken directly from Deathly Hallows.

xXx

7. The End

I sit at the headmaster's desk, not mine. I am merely holding it for the time being. Someone must protect the students from the Carrows. Two cups of tea are set out just as they are every Wednesday. Just because the old man is dead doesn't mean we must break with tradition.

"I hope you weren't too hard on Ms. Weasley and Mr. Longbottom, Severus," says the late headmaster's portrait.

I scoff. "Sent them to bandage up monsters with Hagrid. Should be one of the most pleasant detentions they ever experienced, I daresay. Do you suppose they knew what to do with that sword?"

"I'm guessing they merely knew that Harry wanted it and that was enough for them. Ms. Ginerva is brave, is she not? Rather reminds me of another fiery redhead who wasn't afraid to risk all for love."

I shake the comment off. "That Longbottom is glutton for punishment. I try to keep the Carrows from using their idea of _discipline_ on the students, but they rise to new levels of cruelty each day. They'll use that wretched boy's hide to frighten the others into submission. Revolting."

"You'll do what you can, my boy."

"I always do!" I shout. "It's never enough."

Where is Harry? What is he doing at this moment? Somehow the rumors of breaking into Gringotts and a dragon do not surprise me. Just more arrogant attention-seeking from my son, a determined rule-breaker.

Those Carrows and the other Death Eaters. The rest of the staff. The students, even. They are all against me now; I see it in their faces, united by their abhorrence of me. I am The Man Who Killed Albus Dumbledore. I shall not survive this. I wouldn't want me sharing the same planet as them either.

It will not be long now. Caring about my popularity has long since passed. All I care about is keeping that wretched boy alive. I turn my old potions book over and over in my hands. Strange how this object has allowed me to be closer to my son than anything else. The same book that bound me to Lily. It was a part of all three of us now.

I remember when I had discovered that the boy had not only found the book but was performing some of its nastier spells. My son using Dark Magic of my own creation. How perfectly fitting the irony is. Merlin! After all I had gone through to pound into his thick skull to stay well clear of Death Eaters and their methods. I have made so many mistakes in my life and now they have found a way to my son.

And how he fought to keep the book with him, like it was his best friend. I could almost feel that it was me he wanted to protect. How pathetic is that?

"Where is Harry?" I'm not aware that I say it out loud.

"He is where he usually is in these matters," says the old man. "In the thick of things, preparing to save the day."

Suddenly we are joined by the portrait of Phineas Nigellus. "Headmaster! They are camping in the Forest of Dean!"

xXx

I turn my head slightly and hope to all that is holy the Dark Lord does not notice. There, just as I feared, was the idiot savant, hiding just beyond the shack's room. All it will take is a well-placed curse from Voldemort and the wood shall be reduced to splinters, and the boy reveals himself. There is no time to plan.

_Harry! For once in your life listen to me! Stay where you are and do nothing!_ I mentally shout to him as best I can. I can feel the boy's shock. Is it more from my fear or that I just called him by his name, I wonder? Too late. The angry red eyes are back on me.

"My Lord!" I say, louder this time, desperate to keep the attention on myself. "Let me go out and find Potter. Let me bring him to you!" My inner walls are as strong as I've ever built them and yet I can never recall being so afraid in my life. If I live I'm going to kill my son!

The snake is upon me in a flash. I had been prepared for this, but not for my son playing the goddamned hero once again. So I let the snake tear at me. Voldemort will leave once I am done and Harry will remain undiscovered. He will live a little while longer.

I am barely alive when Harry comes to me. Amazing. The boy must hate me more than any other living wizard, and yet he stays with me. He has compassion enough even for a murdering Death-Eater.

That's my boy. So much like his mother.

I give him everything. All my memories, all of my truth at last for him to see. My life, my mistakes, my regrets, my love, my love, my love….

"Look at me…."

I love you, Harry. I'm sorry.

xXx

"Sev."

A warm hand closes over mine. Lily. My beautiful, dearest Lily. For so long I've waited for the moment that I would see you again, and now I do not care. All I can feel is fear for my son. I've failed him, again, for the very last time.

"Lily, I have to go back! Who will protect Harry now? He is alone!"

Lily smiles at me in that wonderful understanding way she does whenever I take things too seriously. "You did everything a loving father could do for his child, Sev."

"How can you say that? I should have done more. He will die now and it will be my fault."

She touches my cheek. "You always did take too much blame upon yourself, my love. Come now. Harry is Calling us and we must go. Can you hear him?"

I can and suddenly I _see_ him standing there. Tall and proud. So much like a man and yet still just a boy.

He stares at those he's Called to him. James Potter, his hair untidy and ruffled as always. Sirius, tall and handsome and a grin on his face. Lupin, ever shabby but possessing now a peace he never felt in life. Gentle, sweet Lily, whose smile is the widest of all. They greet Harry and praise him and stare at him as if they would like nothing more than to stay there forever.

I remain in the distance, just outside the circle, as I always have. Finally he looks at me.

"So," he says.

"So," I reply.

"You're my real dad, then?"

"Yes."

"I gotta tell you, I never saw that coming." He scratches his hair. He looks as nervous as I feel.

Lily seems like she wants to join me but does not have the strength to leave our son's side. So I walk over to her. She smiles and wraps her arms around my waist. I expect Potter to poison me with his displeasure, but he merely nods at me as if saying, "if you must." Being dead has changed the Marauder.

Living my life has changed me as well.

"I never intended to hurt anyone," I say and not just to Harry. "Everything I did was—"

"Because you loved mum," Harry finished.

"Yes. I loved her since I was a boy. Then when things went wrong I tucked away that love, forever I thought. Then she came back and it was like a knife pierced my heart and I was bleeding out love and it would not stop no matter what I did. Have you ever felt like that? Like you loved so much you were bursting with it?"

Harry regards my words. "A time or two."

"Then you came and you made the gap in my heart even wider, but I had to hide it. To the world I had to be bitter and cold and wicked to keep you safe. It was very difficult because I cared about you, Harry. And I was so afraid that _He_ would see past my lies and know my corruption, for it was love that corrupted me, not hate."

He frowns. "You were the one who wrote me those notes as a kid. Weren't you?"

"Yes."

"I thought that you left me with the Dursley's because you didn't want me."

"I wanted you to be safe," I say coldly. "I didn't need you to understand."

"You were a right fowl git to me, you know?"

I nod. "So long as it kept you alive, I gave you someone to hate so you would never go down the same path that I once did. But I never left you alone."

"I saw your Patronus." Harry looks away, his voice softer. "Somehow I knew… I just knew it was you, the guardian angel from my youth, I mean. I saw the silver doe and it felt safe." Harry scowls at me once again. "You could have told me all this a long time ago."

"No, I couldn't! You wear every emotion upon your face like a fluttering snitch. It might be part of why others are so drawn to your openness, but makes for a lousy spy. Yet another skill I could not properly teach you."

He cracks the tiniest bit of a smile. "You taught me loads, though. That bit about the bezoar at our first meeting. That saved Ron's life, you know? You were the first one who taught me the Expelliamus spell and that's saved me a bunch of times now. And all the stuff in the Prince's book, your book, that was great." He stops and frowns again, angry that he has forgotten that he hates me.

I want to hold my son in my arms, like I did when he was just one year old. I cannot expect him to ignore seven years of hatred, seventeen actually, now that he knows I am guilty of much more than he ever suspected.

Neither of us moves from our spot.

Harry bites his lip. "How did you handle it? When you knew that you were about to die? How did you face it like that? Weren't you afraid?"

"Of course I was. However, I was more afraid for your life than I was for my own. I knew that my death meant that you would live. It did not seem so difficult after that."

"Does it hurt?"

"Dying? Not at all," said Sirius. "Quicker and easier than falling asleep."

I am grateful to Black for the lie. He looks at me and gives me a wink. I hope that this does not mean we are to become friends. A man can only tolerate so much.

"You'll stay with me?" Harry asks.

"Until the very end," says James.

Harry looks at Lily and myself. "Stay close to me."

I tightened my arms around Lily. She is here with me, at last. Can she feel any prouder of our son as I do at this moment? She smiles at me and puts her head on my shoulder. We did good. I actually did something worthy with my wreck of a life.

"There is one thing," I say. "I would have liked the opportunity to apologize to Ms. Granger for that remark about her teeth in fourth year. It was necessary for the cause, but I think that might have gone to far. You'll tell her, won't you? If you see her again."

"That's not likely, is it?"

"Merely a last regret, that's all. Are you ready?"

"Yes," says Harry. He grins at me.

That's my boy.

xXx

END

A/N: And that's it. The rest is how it played out in DH. I apologize to everyone who wanted Snape and Harry to end up together, but I found that it just wouldn't work out this time. Snape's death had to mean something more than it did in DH. So he would have to make a similar sacrifice as Lily did to save his child. I hope that no one is sad, Snape definitely isn't. He's home at last and Harry know the truth. They come to some sort of understanding, even if they didn't do the big father-son hug. It is still Snape and Harry after all and they don't always like one another, like most families.


End file.
